secret blog | Felixbatzer

06/03/26

there is a huge spider in my house

huge

i've never seen anything like it

this might be it

i'm sorry to hear you have died

can i still see your ghost tonight?

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22/02/26

I love my cursed freedom

Freedom has always come first.

I know how cruel it can be,

and still,

I choose it.

I love my cursed freedom

without it,

I disappear.

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15/02/26

My sleep schedule is really rough these days but in a way it's working out quite nicely for me. I go to sleep around 2AM so that no one in the room wakes me up when they come in. Will be really hard to adjust to my work schedule (got the job at FA!) but for now it's serving me well. Last night, N and I sneaked into the cinema. It really is way too easy. We didn't know which movie played in which cinema so we sat down in the first room that matched the seating layout on the website. Originally, we wanted to see Hamnet but ended up in 28 years later, which was honestly great. Performance was incredible, especially the devil sequence.

She really is a character from a book.

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02/02/26

First day in Sydney, first day back in a hostel. It's nice how easy it is to connect to people but when did my standards get so high?

First day here and I saw a spider fight a cockroach.

First day here and what am I doing here again?

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31/12/25

It's the last day of the year. Barely slept at all last night. When I finally found my way into my dreams, they were very turbulent and dark. Really came to some realizations last night I believe. At some point I gave up on the idea of sleep and went out while it was still dark. It was very eerie outside and I had to think about what my cousin said about this trip, the thoughts that kept me up all night and what it means to be a good person. I am feeling quite confused. Is my moral compass still intact? For the entirety of this trip I haven't used my phone but I will make an exception to call my mom today. Not at midnight but sometime during the day.

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28/12/25

I am sitting on the balcony of the woodhouse, overlooking the Alm and the snowy landscape surrounding it. It's super sunny and it's melting all around us. I am saying us cause D just joined me, reading his newspaper. It really suits him, legs crossed, coffee steaming, going through the pages. You can hear a steady flow of water and droplets and I even heard some stones rolling down the hill earlier. It's nice to pay attention to this. When I realized the snow might not stay this morning, I went for a little walk down the valley. I was feeling isolated and lonely last night, even though A's friends were all around me. Really frustrating. The fog from the valley has caught up to me and the mood has completely changed. The sun is struggling to get through to us but I can still feel it.

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21/02/2025

Rewatched the Matrix last night wand was moved in a strange way, It all seems awfully accurate to me. Maybe creative visions are gods final attempt to send a message but we have grown so detached that we fail to see it. Fail to take it seriously. Action sequences were really good but kind of pointless, pretty sure part 2 is going to suck. Oh well.

There is freedom in the thought of none of this being real. I think I will lean into it a little.

none of this is real. none of this is real. non of this is real.

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10/01/2025

It's 6 days before my birthday and I am about to enter the plane to Paris, from where I will fly overnight to Hong Kong. I just read this and really liked it;

"Wanting positive experience is a negative experience; accepting negative experience is a positive experience. The more you pursue feeling better (all the time) the less satisfied you become; as pursuing something only reinforces the fact that you lack it in the first place. The more you want to be loved the lonelier you become, regardless of those surrounding you."

Watched two sunsets in what felt like a day. Overlooking Paris at night, flying past the Eiffeltower. I do feel blessed.
"W

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27/12/24

I have an idea of how I want to spend this upcoming year. There is a lot of dust in the air right now and I wonder what I'll see once it all has settled. I want to go on long walks listening to classical music. Read and write a lot. Live an eccentric life. Really get in touch with who I am. Reduce the noise. I won't be able to fully get rid of it. Most can't. Reducing is fine.

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12/11/24

Irgendwie bleibt nur noch kaum was haften. Neue Erinnerungen sind blass und es fällt mir schwer ihnen irgendeine Bedeutung zuzuschreiben. Vielleicht ist es normal dass es sich so anfühlt. vielleicht schleift jeder Eindruck einen ein wenig ab, bis man am ende glatt und poliert ist.

Es fühlt sich komisch an wieder in der gegend zu sein, in der ich großgeworden bin. es hat sich kaum was verändert. Jeden morgen sehe ich Leute aus der Vergangenheit - Mitschüler, Lehrer, Freunde, Bekannte. Ich frage mich immer, ob sie mit dem ganzen hier zufrieden sind, sie fragen tue ich nicht. Stattdessen betrachte ich sie mit unwissendem Mitleid. Bin ich nicht einer von ihnen?

ich wünschte das Leben hier wäre mir genug.

seitdem ich wieder hier bin fällt mir moderne kommunikation umso schwerer. Ich will dir schreiben, wissen wie es dir geht, fragen was in deinem leben gerade passiert. aber ich weiß mir nicht zu helfen. die vorstellung, über ein paar tage vereinzelte nachrichten auszutauschen fühlt sich so falsch an. ich brauche etwas mit mehr Gewicht. wirklich aufgeschriebene worte wiegen schwerer, daher dieser Brief.

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30/08/24

We were both super conscious of ourselves and one another and I was afraid of him killing me. He said he saw the devil in me and at that moment, so did I.

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30/08/24

I crossed a mountain yesterday, One of the hardest things I have ever done. If there was a chance to quit, I might have quit.

All of this just to see my friends.

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01/06/24

nothing happens next, this is it

avocado maki

v2 gyoza shaolin kick

v3 kimchi

v5 summer rolls v7

reis

v17

smooth brain no thoughts

0 stars in happiness

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17/01/24

i fell asleep in a cinema for the first time. jet lag and the rumble of the subway underneath eased me into it.

harbours always seems so nostalgic. they probably look the same way they looked 40 years ago.

i saw the starry night painting and frida kahlo at the moma today, it was alright

had an all american breakfast at a diner earlier, i am so full

last night it snowed.

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16/01/24

frozen grapes

egg ciabatta

bauernfrühstück

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01/12/23

in meinem körper schneit es ewig

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30/08/24

its so loud here i dont feel like screaming at you

then we text?

my friend told me that the most expensive things in this restaurant are the lights

doesnt seem very expensive

and this is like school days, exchanging texts in class

yea kind of nice no? secret messages..

what kind of messages did you exchange in school?

small talks and plans for lunch

lets pretend im deaf and u do all the talking for me

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23/10/23

Barcelona postcard

mein leben fühlt sich gerade wie ein traum an. wahrscheinlich nicht so wie du es dir gerade vorstellst. Ganz anders. Ich fühle mich als würde ich schlafwandeln. Es passiert so viel mit mir und um mich herum aber ich fühle mich nicht als Teil des Ganzen. Es ist so als wäre ich nicht da, oder vielleicht als wäre der Teil der dir gerade schreibt nicht da. Ich, dieser Teil, schau mir selbst beim Leben zu.

meine jacke, mütze und ausweis wurden gestohlen. Die von meiner mutter geerbte angsr macht sich bezahlt. Der reisepass, den ich nur so zur sicherheit mitgenommen habe spart mir den weg zum konsulat. Es ist gerade 5:44 und ich fliege nach 2 nächten ohne schlaf wieder nach deutschland. wenn alles gut läuft, dann bin ich pünktlich um 9:30 bei der arbeit. Ist das das leben? sie hat mich gefragt ob ich einen späteren flug nehmen könnte. ob ich nicht doch noch einen weiteren tag bleiben könne. Vielleicht hätte ich ja sagen sollen.

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03/10/23

i am standing on the 12th floor of my buildings fire escape. each time im looking up the day has crept in a little more.

it has been a long night.

the crows have just woken up

they are playing in the wind

i see my life in this. never a moment when all of them sit still at the same time. moments where it seems like everyone is close. movement.

i wish i could share this with you, i wish you were here.

they say that butterflies that survive the winter come back yellow the next year. have you ever heard of this?

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the c

11/06/23

shared subway short story (SSSS) #2

Jedes Mal wenn sie ihr Lieblings tshirt trug passierte etwas ganz besonderes:

es regnete. aber da sie nie aus dem haus ging wurde sie nie nass. „Wie kann ich dieses tshirt mein lieblingstshirt nennen, wenn ich es noch nie nass gesehen habe“ fragte sie sich laut und schüttete Ihr Glas Wasser in den Kragen. jetzt konnte sie eigentlich auch direkt raus auf die straße, in den Regen, war’s doch jetzt eh schon egal. doch wie sie da stand und hoffte dass es sich sommerregen wie in den filmen anfühlen würde die sie gesehen hatte, da spürte sie, wie sich ein bild vor ihrem geistigen auge materialisierte. Ein altes Haus, Garten, ein Hund der gerade durch den strömenden Regen auf sie zugelaufen kam. Warum kam ihr das alles so bekannt vor?? sie wusste sogar den namen des hundes, die namen all derer, deren anblick sie schemenhaft durch das küchenfenster sehen konnte.

jemand streifte sie im vorbeigehen, das Bild verschwand und sie überkam der wunsch sich über den lautsprecher einer ubahn auszusprechen. 5 Minuten und ein intensives Gespräch mit der Lockführerin später ertönte ihre stimme in jedem Wagon der Bahn:

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13/04/23

these asian cities feel more organic. a mixture of old and new with few regulations. An old building is in the way so instead of tearing it down we just build on top of it - around it - through it! It feels alive because it is. I like Osaka, my favorite so far.

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18/03/23

shared subway short story (SSSS) #1

after the zombie apocalypse started, the first thing i did was get high on the s bahn and go where ever it took me. the first stop seemed to be a zoo, animals everywhere. the animals where also zombies, lions look different when they’re dead. weirdly enough it felt like i was not alone in the zoo. Between the animal gazes I felt the eyes of another person on me, though it seemed like there was no one around. as i was walking more towards the monkey cages. i realized someone had let all the monkey cages open and they were empty. suddenly i felt a warm breath in my neck. I turned around and saw the biggest chimpanzee in my life (so far), he looked oddly familiar. “James?” I said. but before i could turn around, a hole under me opened an i fell directly down to a pitch black area, it smelt weirdly like gucci, no, channel nr.5??? Good thing I had these matches in my pocket.

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31/01/22

strange, but at this Moment I can think of nothing to say, perhaps silence is better.

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22/06/20

Once again I am closer to leaving than staying. Although I am very much looking forward to a change, I am sure that I will miss what I am having right now.